You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
