my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
