My room smells like vodka and shame
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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