when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm getting married
To pizza
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
