I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
