the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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