And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so let's talk penis.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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