Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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