I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
