you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
