Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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