Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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