Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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