Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
