she woke up with a sticky ear
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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