Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
