please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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