my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
