hotel room ftw
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
