I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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