i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
