theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
