Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
