ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
