Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
