i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
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