I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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