just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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