The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
