I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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