just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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