what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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