from now on my penis is your penis
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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