Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
