Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
