I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
