I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
