i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
