I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
