It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
