Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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