i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
