i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
