are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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