There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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