I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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