As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
