wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize