it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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