just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
