Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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