meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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