I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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