omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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