i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
