Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
