Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
